TORONTO, ON – We all know living, breathing, and passing gas is a burden on our climate. Selfishly living our lives only kills Mother Earth. Thankfully, there are responsible people among us who have made plans to cancel their carbon footprint forever.
Some choose sleeping pills or silky rope to get the job done. Others opt for jumping off bridges and tall structures. For the latter, Toronto’s best choice historically is the Prince Edward Viaduct. Better known as the Bloor Viaduct, a truss arch bridge system crossing Toronto’s Don Valley 40 Meters below.
But before we take our leap of faith to save the planet, a new decision came yesterday from city council. With the stroke of a pen John Tory has determined a COVID-19 Vaccine Passport is now required if one wishes to sacrifice themselves for climate action.
Mr. Tory stated this clearly in yesterday’s press conference:
“Suicide is the ultimate trip into the afterlife. It shouldn’t be a surprise that this type of travel would require proof of vaccination.”
We talked to the hardcore activists fighting the climate crisis who were lining up to jump off the Bloor Viaduct on Wednesday. They were not happy with John Tory’s decision.
One Extinction Rebellion member explained, “I mean scaling this 20 foot fence is one thing, but this vaccine? We don’t even know what’s in it. Is it organic?” Some members of the group started cutting in front of one another in disgust upon hearing the news. “I should be able to do what I want with my body” someone blurted out as they started to climb the fence, “I definitely won’t be voting for him again.”
Despite the valid complaints from the climate saviours on the bridge – upon further investigation – The Woke & Mail has learned that John Tory’s decision was not made lightly.
Turns out back in February 2021 John Tory was in hot water with Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness himself.
In February, an outbreak of a new COVID-19 variant had just happened at the 5th Circle of Hell. Satan’s helpers used contact tracing to determine the source of the outbreak was an unvaccinated fentanyl user in the Greater Toronto Area – behind Square Boys on the Danforth, to be specific.
Since then it appears John Tory has been spending all Spring and all of his energy to get back into Lucifer’s good books.
Earlier this week, John Tory had a private closed-door meeting with delegates from the afterlife. Correspondents from both Heaven and Hell had been demanding a meeting with Tory to ensure Toronto was not going to be the cause of another COVID outbreak.
Our sources suggest inside this meeting both Satan and Saint Peter were in complete agreement that no one will be allowed into Heaven or Hell without a vaccine passport – especially if they’re from Toronto.
Following the meeting Angelic delegates from the Pearly Gates of Heaven provided comment:
Despite high infant mortality rates throughout the history of man the vast majority of people in God’s kingdoms are over the age of 65. We simply cannot allow the unvaccinated into heaven.
The Demonic delegates from the Gates of Hell were more direct:
Even we have standards. Believe it or not, protecting our residents is important to us. It ensures we can prolong their misery… Also, please tell Trudeau to stop calling.
These are tough decisions John Tory is making for the city of Toronto. Consulting with Angels and Demons is certainly not a typical activity for someone in his line of work. We at the Woke & Mail commend Mr. Tory for his hard work and determination. Torontonians should be grateful. He is helping keep Heaven and Hell safe.
As for the unvaccinated, unfortunately for them, they will be stuck in purgatory where they belong. In addition, should the soul of the departed return to Canada, either through reincarnation, being resuscitated, or revived by voodoo magic, they will be required to quarantine at the specially designated COVID-19 facility at their own expense.