Liberals to Introduce Ban on Assault-Style Rocks if Re-Elected

OTTAWA ON – The Liberal Party of Canada just announced a new policy item after the horrific incident in London, Ontario yesterday.  Our Supreme Leader Justin Trudeau fell victim to a nearly fatal attack perpetrated by far-fight Proud Boys terrorists. Their weapon of choice was assault-style gravel – a deadly weapon gaining popularity among white supremacists across Canada.

The Liberal Party has stepped up to put an end to this danger altogether. Today Trudeau stated:

“In this country there will be no more assault-style rocks, gravel, or sediment of any kind. There is no reason that one should be carrying dangerous rocks around or have free access to them on the ground.”

Trudeau continued, “We have moved past the cavemen times when stones were needed for self defence or for recreational hunting. In today’s times the police will always be here to protect you and do the hunting for you – as long as you’re fully vaccinated.”

Critics have argued that the focus should not be on illegal assault-style rocks but on dangerous criminals using the rocks illegally. Scholars of critical criminology and elite BIPOC academics have debunked these arguments as entirely misguided.

“All rocks and gravel must be banned. It’s the only way we know we can be safe,” said Chandra El Mohito, professor of Applied Critical Astrology. El Mohito is also a leading author in the growing field of Nano Aggression theory and they emphasizes the importance of being proactive when dealing with these systemic issues.

“Eventually, we must ban all quarries. This is where toxic masculinity really grows its roots in our society.”

Chandra also pointed out that if assault-style gravel had been banned earlier, then poor innocent Goliath might not have been killed by the evil David.

Photos are already circulating online in far-right forums. Right wing radicals are posting images of their assault-style rock collections in what appears to be a ritual of white supremacist grandstanding.

Trudeau’s Liberals hope this new assault-style rock ban will give his election campaign a new life. Canadians are fed up with the vaccine-hesitant. They are fed up with the gravel roads. They are fed up with cisgender heterosexual white suburban men ordering assault-style gravel by the cubic yard. Is this gravel really for a patio in the backyard? Or is it for the next terrorist attack?

Historically, small stones have always been a hallmark of the Liberal Party of Canada. And many Canadians agree that stricter Liberal policy is needed to keep our country safe. 

As a replacement for assault-style pebble ownership, the Liberal party is considering the introduction of public stonings for the vaccine-hesitant. Health is a top priority for the Trudeau administration. The corrective rock pelting will be administered in a safe, socially-distanced environment.