We don’t fawn over political parties often at the Woke & Mail. But when we do they are communist. The Canada Oppourtunity Party is the newest, and best communist party in Canada. As our Supreme Leader Justin Trudeau has recently said, “COVID-19 has presented the oppourtunity for a reset.” Maybe this oppourtunity party it that oppourtunity. Here’s what we found after digging to discover their charming website and bold policies yesterday.
The Canada Opportunity Party Website
The URL rolls off the tongue like the poetry from DiAngelo’s best selling book White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism.
The site itself is breathtaking. It is the first and only site on earth to be built using Microsoft Sway, a platform unknown to anyone outside of Microsoft’s development department. The genius here is that this new communist party doesn’t just talk the talk*, they walk the walk**. Often political parties will make use of popular platforms that both look good and are functional like WordPress. The Opportunity party has gone the complete opposite direction and it shows. They have given the opportunity to a diverse group of non-designers and non-copywriters to take the reigns***. This site looks so interesting, spontaneous, and awful that you know it’s good just like an ethnic restaurant. The Canada Opportunity Party’s site is ten fluorescent lights too many with faded blue pictures of “back home”.
That “back home” is a double retro picture gallery of white people dressed in oppressive Canadian red and white saluting Canada’s most prolific monster John A (for a-hole presumably)**** MacDonald and an unceded Ktunaxa lake. The gallery style reminds us of early 2000s white supremacist-dominated internet, and the images are a reminder of when Canada was “great” ie “white”. This design technique is brilliant. The triggering images shock the viewer who have scrolled down for ten minutes to finally lock eyes with them, the horror holds you in place like you are witnessing a car wreck hoping only white CIS men are getting hurt. You probably didn’t notice that the images themselves are not the “property” of The Canadian Opportunity Party, but “belong” to others. This direct attack on property rights is communism agitprop at its best. Well done.
Further, the image of Canada that adorns the splash is darkly contrasted against USA and pixelated indicating their intentions: Canada is broken and stands in contrast with the worlds freest and worst most capitalist country. Canada is meant to take a different path.
Canada Opportunity Party Policies
The Canadian Opportunity Party aptly recognizes the unparalleled opportunities given to us by Dear Leader Trudeau. They praise:
- Our massive debt which will FINALLY lead to The Great Reset.
- People are isolated and fearful over the worst cough pandemic in herstory.
- Attacks on trains and train tracks.
- “Illegal” immigrant heroes committing mostly peaceful violent acts.
- Mass disdain for “Canadians”
The COP, clearly students of Marcuse and Alinsky recognize that we all need to come together and unite against the status quo: white heterosexual capitalist patriarchy. Our unpayable debt, fear, destruction of private property, and an influx of unique and diverse persons must be accelerated if we are to dismantle the euro-centric patriarchy for good and kill-off whiteness once and for all.
The COP employs the abbreviation SMART to get their message across. Unlike the Conservatives or PPC, the COP knows their audience. Real communists know that there is no need for literacy skills beyond a 5th grade reading level. After that our schools start preaching the white supremacist filth of Shakespeare. Abbreviations are employed with great success in the education of future comrades, adults and 5th graders alike.
Specific, Measurable, Attainable and Assignable, Realistic and Relevant, Time bound.
See how both A and R have two meanings? With this kind of efficiency, why wouldn’t we put them in charge of the economy? It’s time for a reset.
They promise to fund national energy projects which presumably means putting all the anti-vaxxers in a giant wheel that generates electricity for the workers.
In accordance with big government central planning ideals they intend to force private industry to buy from local approved vendors.
“No party stripes, no partisan affiliations, no B.S.! Just Canadians working with and for Canadians!”
Obviously there can be no partisan affiliations if there is only one party. The Woke & Mail recognizes and loves our Chinese overlords who exemplify non-partisan unity.
Perhaps the most humanitarian part of their platform is the forced work camps. They will decide if you are able-bodied, and encourage (force) good citizens to work if they are determined to be able to. Nobody experiencing the harms of drug abuse will be deemed disabled, and why should they? As much as we despise Nazis, just look at what they were able to accomplish on a little meth.
Their stance on immigration sounds like the familiar dog whistle.
“A New Federal Party for Canada will close borders”
Their stance on immigration sounds like the familiar racist dog whistle, but it shows a deep knowledge of history. Once their communist agenda is implemented, citizens will attempt to leave in absolute defiance of their own well-being. It is imperative to close borders to prevent this.
All-in-all, the Woke & Mail is thrilled to see a more competitive political landscape aiming at creating a political climate absent of any competition.
*The Woke & Mail apologizes profusely to the other-abled communities and adjacent other-abled communities who cannot talk due to medical reasons or cannot talk because they are currently regresses in to their Little who has not yet learned to talk.
**The Woke & Mail apologizes profusely to the other-abled communities and adjacent other-abled communities who cannot, or choose not to walk due to their healthy life choices that have made them too oppressed by gravity to walk.
***The Woke & Mail apologizes profusely for using imagery that invokes the image of animal enslavement.
****The Woke & Mail apologizes profusely to those who are attracted and make use of a-holes sexually.
- PhD Orthohetergraphical Socio-Economics.
- AB, Non-binary Binate gender Lithography.
- Award winning Journalist.
- Repressively tolerant anti-fascist equalequitarian socialist.
- Home, summer home, and investment homes are on unceded land.
- Double Vaccinated.
- Black Lives Matter.
- All Children Matter.
- Female attracted male-assigned-at-birth lesbian.
- Parent to furbaby Spencer The Cat (he/him).