OTTAWA, ON – Another day passes and another mass grave of indigenous children is found. The progressive politicians of Canada lead the charge against the genocidal hatred of our past by doing what they do best: crying about it. These decisive actions by our Government officials are not just awe inspiring to Canadian citizens however. New scientific discoveries suggest that the public display of emotions from caring progressive politicians like Justin Trudeau actually yield miraculous results.
Turns out a tear of a progressive politician is like that of a unicorn: it has magical properties.
A single drop from Jagmeet Singh’s tear duct for example is enough to purify over 500 gallons of water. Scientists estimate the tears of Justin Trudeau may be up to 4x (four times) the purifying power. Most peculiar is the fact that the only time progressive MP’s tears have these super-natural properties is when the cameras are rolling.
The Indigenous communities without clean drinking water are most excited by this discovery. Since the miracle tears of Trudeau have gone public many Indigenous people in Canada cannot wait to see more emotional displays from Justin Trudeau and Jagmeet Singh on national television.
One Wet’suwet’en man shared his relief when he learned that they are finally helping, and not just talking about it. “I used to feel like they just placated our community to score political points,” said the man, “Now I can see what the CBC is talking about.”
“I used to feel like they just placated our community to score political points,” said the man, “Now I can see what the CBC is talking about.”
Expert Chemists and Custodians on Parliament Hill have teamed up to identify every kleenex and tissue they can find in the PMO’s Office. Talks have began to force Trudeau to broadcast Live on twitch.com while he watches 2017’s Call Me By Your Name. Being Gerarld Butt’s favourite film Justin often gets teary-eyed while watching it.
Thankfully, for neglected Indigenous Communities help is coming. They can sleep easy now knowing that each additional shed tear from Trudeau will unequivocally improve the quality of their life – As long as it’s caught on camera.