Chief public health officer Dr. Theresa Tam says the latest variant of interest in the COVID-19 pandemic has popped-up in the unlikeliest of places: her very own backyard. While emptying an urn to place her last Sativa plant of the week, Dr. Tam spotted the indistinguishable signature of her favourite pandemic-causing virus: COVID-19.
I couldn’t believe it. I was just doing some planting for the summer months and pow! A new variant right under my nose.
Although she did not catch the variant (THANK GOD), our brilliant Doctor Tam was able to catch a glimpse of the new Coronavirus strain before it floated away.
It was in this precise moment when Tam’s expert Doctor-eyes were able to determine the exact molecular structure of the new variant. Unfortunately Tam’s expert assessment has confirmed our worst nightmares: this is the deadliest COVID variant we have ever seen.
Long razor-sharp teeth, gangly spider legs, and much more contagious. Dr. Tam likened this new strain of COVID-19 to James Wan’s 2013 horror film The Conjouring with a touch of Friday the 13th part 2 mixed in.
Moments after the variant flew out of Dr. Tam’s sight, 17 of her fully-vaccinated neighbours had already died or were in critical condition.
One neighbour emerged from her home after watching the carnage in shock and disbelief. In a focused serious tone with one eye twitching the neighbour softly said to our Woke & Mail reporter:
“This new variant will stop at nothing to taste the blood of every newborn child in Canada.”
There’s something peculiar about this new COVID variant.
And that’s why we must stop at nothing to avoid all social interaction outside of our immediate family and get our younglings vaccinated ASAP.
Although Theresa Tam has confirmed that the Urn in her backyard was the precise origin of the deadly new COVID-19 variant it is still too early to confirm the precise origin of the new COVID-19 variant.
There is one thing we do know for sure however: you should be absolutely terrified.