We Talked to Our Nation’s Bravest Heroes: Those who have Still Not gone outside

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A dimly lit living room adorned with take-out containers and kitty litter boxes. The pulse of bravery can be felt through the zoom video window. The beautiful pale portliness of this Canadian Covid Hero is a sight to behold. His protruding navel beams with pride and an expression of intense focus and mustard covers his face.  

This weathered warrior has seen tough times. But this champion of health and safety was not only brave but humble as well. He was graceful enough to remove his mask for our interview. 

Chip Lardoque has been inside now for 487 consecutive days. Not because he wanted to but because he had to….

 

The blue light of the computer screen encircles his face and makes his crescent of chins glisten.  His pensive look is captivating. His mind in deep thought. Or perhaps he is on an anime forum on a separate browser window during our call.  Regardless, one thing is certain: we are in the presence of greatness.

Saving lives and keeping people safe is a way of life for Chip. Never leaving his home in order to obey COVID-19 restrictions has become second nature. When John Tory told everyone “Stay home and stay safe”, Chip listened. When Theresa Tam told us to, “wear a mask”, Chip listened. And when Justin Trudeau famously said “COVID-19 is an opportunity for a reset”, Chip didn’t know what our Prime Minister meant exactly, but he listened and nodded along nonetheless.

Here is our conversation talking to our Nation’s Bravest Heroes:

Where do you find the strength to do what you do?

At first, I thought that staying home all the time would be unbearable. But after rediscovering the World of Warcraft with its new expansion packs, I realized: who needs to go outside, anyway? There is a huge world out there to explore in the game, there are monsters to kill, and treasure to be found. And you can do all that AND save lives at the same time! I mean it’s pretty awesome to be on the right side of history.

Would you recommend World of Warcraft to the younger Canadians who look up to you?

Playing WoW is a very intellectual pastime.  It’s hard work.  You can’t just sit down and play – there is inventory management, spell casting, planning out your character builds, making decisions during a battle. It really teaches you the skills you need to succeed in life. Especially during this war against covid.

After talking with Chip for 45 minutes about the intricacies of the Feral Druid class in World of Warcraft, his favourite MMORPG, we started to ask Mr. Lardoque the tough questions. 

 

Why Did you decide to take your mask off?

I’ve been inside for a year. No one else has been in here except me. I burn all my clothes outside before I come back in. So there’s probably no viruses in here. So it’s probably OK. Maybe. I mean I am taking a big risk here, so I hope you appreciate that.

Do you take your mask off to shower?

I use wet wipes.

How many lives do you think you’ve saved?

Depends. Thousands. Possibly billions. If you just watch CBC, CNN, or what the CDC says they tell you everything you need to know. So it’s really serious. They say all the best stuff, and feature all the smartest guys and best experts and stuff.  They’re the best

Why Do You do It?

Um because I believe in science. Duh! Pfft. Plus I don’t want to be going outside and literally killing people. It’s pretty obvious.

How can our listeners show gratitude to you for being such a brave inspiring Canadian hero?

You can send Dogecoin. You could send me a maid to help clean up my place too.

What advice can you give to young people to help them fight the good fight?

Pepsi bottles. Not only is it more nutritious than Coke, you can also use the empty 2 Litre bottles to relieve yourself without going AFK (away from keyboard). That way, you can get in more clicks per minute and you don’t have to get up and waste time going to the washroom.  It’s just another way to reduce the risk of spreading germs and killing people.  Bathrooms are like one of the dirtiest places on earth – you guys do know that right?

Listen to the full conversation with Chip Lardoque here:

From reddit moderating to the possibility of a future statue in his honour, it was a blessing to pick the mind of a contemporary Canadian War hero such as Chip.   From a zero fresh-air policy to the efficacy of couch-beds, Mr Lardoque’s strategies against COVID-19 are ahead of the curb and should definitely be on the radar for our Canadian government.

 

 

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This article is from September. Our progressive LGBTQ BIPOC journalists are clearly ahead of the curb 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

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