Dinosaur Remains Found under Saskatchewan Residential School, Catholic Church Suspected Responsible

The recent discovery of unmarked graves of indigenous children on residential school grounds has sparked a Canada-wide movement for justice. Authorities have conducted multiple ground penetrating radar scans at former residential school sites.  The goal is to discover more about Canada’s dark history and to, more importantly, give Justin Trudeau and Jagmeet Singh something to talk about. Although all of us in the media have been enjoying the photo-ops and valiant grandstanding from our leaders, nobody was anticipating the horror that was discovered under one former residential school in Saskatchewan.

Several fossilized velociraptor skeletons were found buried below the building. In context of recent events, the conclusion is obvious: Catholic priests tortured the prehistoric lizards to death and then buried them under the school to conceal their crimes against dinosaurs.

It seems that the explanation for dinosaur extinction has finally been found right here in Canada. Clearly, the Catholic Church was sending its clergy back in time, taking away dinosaur hatchlings and putting them into residential schools in rural Saskatchewan. When the ancient reptiles resisted the priests’ assimilation efforts, God retaliated by crashing a giant meteor into Earth, causing the tragic extinction event. Experts agree that the popular Christian iconography motif of St. George slaying a dragon is likely an allusion to the Christian genocide of dinosaurs.

Judging by the state of the velociraptor’s skeleton, this poor creature was starved, abused, and forced to read boring pieces of scripture everyday.

Even now, the prejudice against dinosaurs is ever-present in our daily lives. From dragon slaying being a popular trope in fantasy novels to certain video games such as the Turok series making dinosaur hunting their selling point. Systemic speciesism and discriminatory treatment of giant lizards is deeply entrenched in our society and culture.

Canada’s obsession with burning fossil fuels is just another example of our continued genocidal hatred towards Dinosaurs. The massive deposits of oil in Alberta were once carbon lifeforms. Cute brontosauruses and innocent velociraptors, like the one found underneath this residential school, are systemically targeted and taken out of the ground by Alberta’s Oil and Gas industry to be eventually burned to death – again. Albertans are not just destroying the planet with their gassed up ambitions, they are also propagating and carrying out the double genocide of a Mesozoic reptilian culture.  The fact that there are so many Catholic Churches in Alberta is no coincidence.

“What’s the big deal?” some may say. “Weren’t dinosaurs big, bloodthirsty beasts that would tear you apart the moment they saw you?” If you’re asking this question, you may need to educate yourself, and watch something other than Jurassic Park, because your Herpetophobia and anti-dinokinism are showing. 

As illustrated clearly by the Land Before Time movie series, dinosaurs were a diverse group of intelligent, noble beasts that had their own distinct cultures and even communicated in spoken English. One can only guess how rich and diverse Canadian culture would be had the dinosaurs not been genocided into extinction by the Catholic Church. For now we can be grateful for ground penetrating radar and it’s profound ability to reveal the uncomfortable truths about our tainted Canadian history that we all must face.